Sleep Deprivation's Hidden Charms

 I was looking through my journal and came upon an entry that was a good reminder for me. So, I thought I would post it here also.

"It has been four weeks since Haddon's birth -four blessed, but long and hard weeks. 

I have never slept so little or felt so depleted and faint. My spiritual weaknesses have never been so apparent to me. My sin is glaring. Yet, I know I have never been so richly blessed as I am now. 

I am looking at John 15 and it is quickly becoming one of my favorite passages of scripture. It starts with a statement of fact. Jesus is the vine and His Father is the vinedresser - truth to base my life on, a foundation. Second comes a hard pill to swallow, unpleasant medicine that yields great results. If you bear fruit, you can be sure that there will be pruning. It is a painful process in a believer's life - the cutting off of dead branches. But, it reveals a spot for new life to blossom.

I am aware now of many dead branches in my life that need to be cut off to make room for good fruit.  I am selfish - there is nothing like a screaming, hungry baby to awaken that realization. No, you cannot go to the bathroom. No, you cannot get a drink now.

I am impatient. My pride is being stripped away. It is hard to be proud of my actions and performance  when sleep deprivation knocks down the walls of deception and reveals my nakedness within. I am repeatedly brought to the awareness that my own strength is nonexistent. I could go on, but...in the midst of pain there is relief. Verse three - 'Already you are clean because of the Word I have spoken to you.' What blessed words of relief! I don't have to grow my own fruit. I don't have to make myself clean! It has been done. Thank you sweet Jesus.

Now what? Verse four - 'Abide in Me and I in you.' Five sums it up for me. No matter the situation, the solution is always he same. Abide inChrist. Apart from Him I can do nothing. But with Him, the possibilities are endless - I will bear much fruit. 

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Blind Leading the Blind

*Open my eyes, that I may see

Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;

Place in my hands the wonderful key

That shall unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for thee,

Ready my God, Thy will to see,

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit Divine!

Today, my eyes have been opened.

I didn't actually know I was blind. Usually that kind of infirmity is pretty obvious; but alas, it was not obvious to me. God is bringing me through a trial right now, and it seems to be harder than it should be. If someone were describing to me this trial, I know exactly what I would be thinking. I would give sympathetic words, and bestow upon that person my vast knowledge coming from two whole years in ministry....yikes. I will explain further.

God has given my husband and me an opportunity to show love to someone, and we have experienced great blessings and joy thus far. The person we have been ministering to, by acts of service and telling her The Good News, has no means to give back. Now, anyone would look at that and say that is the best situation to be in. What a way to show the love of Jesus Christ! Those were my exact thoughts. But, it is in these moments when I sadly feel my flesh so cunningly warring against my spirit. In my efforts to serve, my focus was diverted, ever so slightly, from Jesus to myself, from bringing glory to God through the Spirit to bringing glory to God by my own strength...fail. It really is pretty amazing that there are so many ways to serve yourself, and only one way to serve God.

As I look back, I can see that I was growing more confident in the ways I could serve, ignoring the fact that I was and am completely dependent on the Holy Spirit for ability and strength and faith and everything. Two days ago, God started opening my eyes to the error of my ways. Our friend called me and said she needed a big favor. She had to be out of her apartment the next day and needed to rent a Uhaul for her stuff, but she didn't have any money. Now don't get me wrong, I was eager to help her for the right reasons. I just get off track easily.

Anyways, I got some money to take to her. I was not aware she wanted me to take her to get it that moment. I also was not aware that I would be using my license to rent the vehicle. My husband and I are missionaries and technically, by human standards anyways, we are not fully supported. I had a certain amount of cash to use, but the deposit had to be on a credit card, so now we are pushing it. She was supposed to only need the vehicle for one day. But, after repeatedly calling her throughout the day with no answer, my nerves were frayed. Thoughts were running through my head and my stomach was in knots. What if, what if, what if...and the what ifs became "now what?" She needed the truck for one more day. We could not afford one more day.

I knew in my head that God could and would provide, but I couldn't seem to make my heart believe it. I felt myself under such spiritual warfare. My flesh wanted to cry out, "foul! I'm being taken advantage of, how can she just take us for granted like that?" But then my husband said something to me that just kept bouncing around in my head. We would do the same thing she is doing if we didn't have Jesus...wow. It also reminded me of the passage Todd spoke on recently in Hosea2.

How many times have I looked at the love, such perfect and pure love, shown to me, and shrugged it off? How many times have I taken Jesus for granted? How many times have I slapped away the hand that has been given to me to help me up when I fall? Countless times. And yet He still loves me with an everlasting love.

That is when I realized, the true test of love comes when you love the unlovely, when you give till you can't give anymore. And when you come to the end of your strength, simply ask for more. God will not let you down, He is faithful.

The situation isn't resolved and I doubt the lady will fall down in a pile of gratitude, but it doesn't matter. God will provide, and He WILL get the glory. Amen and Amen.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;

I will sing to the Lord,

my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13:5,6

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

*Open My Eyes, That I May See by Clara H. Scott

Grace in the Most Grave of Circumstances

Lately, I have been so humbled by God's grace, His faithfulness, and the way He answers prayer. I think on my past and I shudder. I sometimes struggle with regret and guilt, but I know God forgives. He gives such amazing forgiveness.

I can hardly conjure up words to explain how I feel. He forgives me. He stays faithful to me, in spite of my gross unfaithfulness. He answers my prayers, a desperate sinner's prayers. I HAVE to go everyday to the throne and admit my utter feebleness, my inability to do anything without His work in my life. But the crazy thing is that He delights in it! My finite, human mind cannot grasp that. Any person would become so annoyed and frustrated with someone so pitiful and inept in their employ; but that is not so with my Lord.

I see and feel the Holy Spirit change my cold heart of stone into warm, pliable clay for God's hands to mold. What a comfort it is to know I have such power and love at my disposal always. I continually see that I am in great need of it; for without it, I perish.

Satan is so very deceitful. I can see his hands grasping at more and more of this world, this world that was created by and for my Jesus. That is why it takes the extraordinary, life-altering power of God to keep those evil hands off my own life.

What a battle we are in! I am so disheartened by what America calls Christianity. On one end of the spectrum we have bold, brash people proclaiming judgment on sins that they themselves are guilty of committing. On the other end, we have timid, fearful people leading themselves into sin that is more hidden than their faith. Oh how my heart aches, Lord deliver us and bring revival!

I know I am far from perfect, I cannot cast judgment. But amazingly, through this, I can see such amazing grace in my life. It is ONLY the abundant love and grace of Jesus that rescues me from such travesty. I have a perfect righteousness in Christ that will lead to a perfect holiness. Satan cannot and will not get his claws in me.

“I have the right to do anything, you say—but not everything is beneficial. I have the right to do anything—but I will not be mastered by anything." 1 Corinthians 6:12

"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1Corinthians 15:56-58

Plentiful Providence

The other day, Todd was listening/watching a video of Paul Washer reading a journal about the beginnings of his missions agency. [(heartcrymissionary.com) - you should check it out] The journal was about how they had been supported. The group had a certain way of gaining support for the several people they had on the field all over the world. They did not go to any churches or speak to any individuals about the needs they had. They only prayed, and watched God provide. Mr. Washer read entry after entry about how God miraculously sent the money they needed time after time. The people working in the missions agency sometimes went without a paycheck, but they often had more food and supplies than they would have had if they had been paid. It was an awesome testimony of God's providence and His love for His children.

I wanted to record some very recent instances of God's sovereign love in our lives. December is an especially expensive month for us. Lots of family to buy gifts for, friends, and three birthdays around that time keep us pretty strapped financially. But as time progressed, I was able to buy several of the gifts we needed to buy with money that had been given to me by random people and even family.

One of the biggest blessings we received in December was because of some of our dear brothers and sisters in Christ in Kalamazoo. There is a college group at Northeastern Baptist that has taken us on as missionaries. The leader of that group, Chuck Black, met with Todd one morning for coffee along with some of the kids in his group. When Todd came home, he told me that they were dropping by because they wanted to say hi to me too. I thought it was nice, but kind of odd. Well, when they came in, they were carrying boxes upon boxes of groceries for us, along with more than enough gas money for our trip to Pennsylvania. I had a hard time keeping my composure, and finally gave up the fight and just tried to thank them somewhat coherently.

Now as the new year of 2011 has come, God has shown himself loving and powerful yet again. Todd and I are both in a wedding come July. Renting tuxedos and buying bridesmaids dresses is not exactly cheap. Well, my friend called me and said she found out that the dresses needed to be ordered earlier than she thought and I needed to do it that week. Yikes. It just so happened (: that a woman in our church needed someone to watch her kids on Thursday. I was paid the exact amount I needed for the dress. Coincidence?Yeah right. This past weekend, Todd and I went to go get him fitted for his tux, which was going to cost more than my dress. Well, when we were there at the store, we were informed that someone had paid for his... blessings abound and abound and abound.

I have been needing an eye appointment for quite a while, and I was going to get one when we got our tax refund. Well, when I sat down next to Todd in church on Sunday, he placed a folded check on my lap. It was for $1000. A couple in the church has now done this a few times, every time unexpected. They said they want to do it three times a year. Now I can get an eye appointment this week!

I am completely overwhelmed by God's manifold grace. How can I ever doubt?

Matthew 6:25-34

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

My Favorite Things

There is a song called "My favorite Things" sung by Julie Andrews. She sings about simple things that make her happy when she is down; things such as raindrops on noses and whiskers on kittens. Yes, this does all sound rather whimsical and silly, and no, I'm not feeling down.

But, one of my favorite things is wildlife. I love animals, some I would not venture to keep or touch; but I do enjoy looking at them.

Todd and I were on our way home from Pennsylvania and as usual, I stared at the scenery while my mind wandered. The trip from PA to MI is beautiful when there's a fresh layer of snow blanketing the trees and mountains. While I was looking at the scenery, I couldn't help but recognize the glory and majesty of my Lord.

Now this is when the frivolous and whimsical Janine kicks in. The drive from PA to MI is also very long. So I started looking for deer. I was also praying on and off, praising God for the glory shown in His creation. While I was praying, I asked God, knowing it was silly, if I could see some deer. I know, of all the things to pray for...

Anyways, about a half hour down the road I was talking to Todd and looked over to my right, and what do ya know. I saw deer, not one, but probably 10-15 deer. It absolutely made my day.

Now I know God loves me, and I don't need any other evidence than my salvation through Jesus Christ. But when I see such a shallow prayer answered for someone as silly as me, I can't help but feel completely humbled by God's love. That definitely is my favorite thing.

Honesty is the Best Policy

Sometimes a person just needs to let go, and right now I need to do that. I want to be completely transparent and honest right now. I feel a little alone, heavy hearted, and...I don't really know. I can't exactly explain how I feel. Starting in this ministry, I quickly went from college student to college leader. All of a sudden, I was supposed to be a leader of my peers. These were all people I had been very close to and had hung out with a few times a week, every week for years. Then I started to see an ever-widening gap between me and my friends. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. This gap is a result of me growing spiritually and maturing. I have moved to a different demographic. But from my human, emotional point of view, it's hard and not all together fun. I feel guilty even typing these things. I know as Christ followers, we are going to encounter suffering. But I feel this is coming from my own weaknesses.

Lately I have come to see my shortcomings more and more and more. I feel so utterly inadequate and not worthy of what I have. My salvation, my Savior, and my position in ministry are all things I do not deserve.

I was actually in the middle of my personal studies just now. I couldn't concentrate or focus myself enough to give the passage I was studying it's due.

For heaven's sake! I'm supposed to be leading students, first and foremost by example, and yet I can't seem to focus.

Last night at our EMU Bible study, we studied Romans 7:7-25. The part I can't get out of my head is Paul exclaiming, "Oh wretched man that I am, who will set me free from this body of death?" That's how I feel right now. I cannot escape my own inadequacies, my own sinful, human nature. I come close to tears just thinking about it (although, that usually comes pretty easily for me anyways).

I know I am going through a process of being molded. I have been praying that God gives me humility and uses me how he wants to. Not exactly an easy thing to pray, but I feel blessed to be in this position. I don't know if I did a good job of articulating my feelings but it's nice to get it out of my system. I just know that I have a long long long long long way to go.

The Ripple Effect

Todd and I have been so blessed to be involved in college ministry. God really is growing it in his perfect way. Last night at our Bible study I really got to see how amazing and wonderfully sovereign our Lord is.

Before we leave our home to go to the student center, Todd and I take some time to pray for our study. We pray that God would really move in the student's and our hearts, that the Spirit would move, and that students would come. Last week our numbers were down so we decided to take a break from the norm and just talk about what's been happening in our lives spiritually. So this week, I was expecting a pretty good turnout at our study. Well, when we got there, we found out that several students had work or studies that got in the way. That sadly, is becoming a more common story.

Anyways, I kept thinking and wishing that we had more students coming. God doesn't really want us to do all this work just for a few students. But, later that night, my thinking was changed.

Luke Maggard is our VFY student org. president. He started coming to our group after our tailgate last year. Luke is a great student leader and is the main person who gets students to our Bible study. A few weeks ago a student named Rob came to our Bible study, Luke had invited him. During part of our study, we have discussion. When we were talking about the passages we went over (Romans 7:1-6; Colossians 2:6-3:4), Rob spoke. He just wanted to say thank you to Luke for how much he had helped him at school. Rob said he hadn't been really living his Christianity out for a while, but the steps he is taking are helping.

The first thing I thought was, Todd should start meeting with this kid too. Luke can't be the only one helping him.

That's when I remembered what our mission statement is..."to train and encourage students to reach other students." And that is exactly what is happening! I wanted to jump up and down while clapping saying, IT WORKS!

We don't have to have huge numbers, I don't even know if I'm mature enough as a leader to handle big numbers of students. If in our college ministry, we only reach a few students. That's fine. Because those few students can reach a few more, which will reach a few more, which will also reach a few more...all for the love of Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen.