Honesty is the Best Policy

Sometimes a person just needs to let go, and right now I need to do that. I want to be completely transparent and honest right now. I feel a little alone, heavy hearted, and...I don't really know. I can't exactly explain how I feel. Starting in this ministry, I quickly went from college student to college leader. All of a sudden, I was supposed to be a leader of my peers. These were all people I had been very close to and had hung out with a few times a week, every week for years. Then I started to see an ever-widening gap between me and my friends. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. This gap is a result of me growing spiritually and maturing. I have moved to a different demographic. But from my human, emotional point of view, it's hard and not all together fun. I feel guilty even typing these things. I know as Christ followers, we are going to encounter suffering. But I feel this is coming from my own weaknesses.

Lately I have come to see my shortcomings more and more and more. I feel so utterly inadequate and not worthy of what I have. My salvation, my Savior, and my position in ministry are all things I do not deserve.

I was actually in the middle of my personal studies just now. I couldn't concentrate or focus myself enough to give the passage I was studying it's due.

For heaven's sake! I'm supposed to be leading students, first and foremost by example, and yet I can't seem to focus.

Last night at our EMU Bible study, we studied Romans 7:7-25. The part I can't get out of my head is Paul exclaiming, "Oh wretched man that I am, who will set me free from this body of death?" That's how I feel right now. I cannot escape my own inadequacies, my own sinful, human nature. I come close to tears just thinking about it (although, that usually comes pretty easily for me anyways).

I know I am going through a process of being molded. I have been praying that God gives me humility and uses me how he wants to. Not exactly an easy thing to pray, but I feel blessed to be in this position. I don't know if I did a good job of articulating my feelings but it's nice to get it out of my system. I just know that I have a long long long long long way to go.