Honesty is the Best Policy

Sometimes a person just needs to let go, and right now I need to do that. I want to be completely transparent and honest right now. I feel a little alone, heavy hearted, and...I don't really know. I can't exactly explain how I feel. Starting in this ministry, I quickly went from college student to college leader. All of a sudden, I was supposed to be a leader of my peers. These were all people I had been very close to and had hung out with a few times a week, every week for years. Then I started to see an ever-widening gap between me and my friends. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. This gap is a result of me growing spiritually and maturing. I have moved to a different demographic. But from my human, emotional point of view, it's hard and not all together fun. I feel guilty even typing these things. I know as Christ followers, we are going to encounter suffering. But I feel this is coming from my own weaknesses.

Lately I have come to see my shortcomings more and more and more. I feel so utterly inadequate and not worthy of what I have. My salvation, my Savior, and my position in ministry are all things I do not deserve.

I was actually in the middle of my personal studies just now. I couldn't concentrate or focus myself enough to give the passage I was studying it's due.

For heaven's sake! I'm supposed to be leading students, first and foremost by example, and yet I can't seem to focus.

Last night at our EMU Bible study, we studied Romans 7:7-25. The part I can't get out of my head is Paul exclaiming, "Oh wretched man that I am, who will set me free from this body of death?" That's how I feel right now. I cannot escape my own inadequacies, my own sinful, human nature. I come close to tears just thinking about it (although, that usually comes pretty easily for me anyways).

I know I am going through a process of being molded. I have been praying that God gives me humility and uses me how he wants to. Not exactly an easy thing to pray, but I feel blessed to be in this position. I don't know if I did a good job of articulating my feelings but it's nice to get it out of my system. I just know that I have a long long long long long way to go.

The Ripple Effect

Todd and I have been so blessed to be involved in college ministry. God really is growing it in his perfect way. Last night at our Bible study I really got to see how amazing and wonderfully sovereign our Lord is.

Before we leave our home to go to the student center, Todd and I take some time to pray for our study. We pray that God would really move in the student's and our hearts, that the Spirit would move, and that students would come. Last week our numbers were down so we decided to take a break from the norm and just talk about what's been happening in our lives spiritually. So this week, I was expecting a pretty good turnout at our study. Well, when we got there, we found out that several students had work or studies that got in the way. That sadly, is becoming a more common story.

Anyways, I kept thinking and wishing that we had more students coming. God doesn't really want us to do all this work just for a few students. But, later that night, my thinking was changed.

Luke Maggard is our VFY student org. president. He started coming to our group after our tailgate last year. Luke is a great student leader and is the main person who gets students to our Bible study. A few weeks ago a student named Rob came to our Bible study, Luke had invited him. During part of our study, we have discussion. When we were talking about the passages we went over (Romans 7:1-6; Colossians 2:6-3:4), Rob spoke. He just wanted to say thank you to Luke for how much he had helped him at school. Rob said he hadn't been really living his Christianity out for a while, but the steps he is taking are helping.

The first thing I thought was, Todd should start meeting with this kid too. Luke can't be the only one helping him.

That's when I remembered what our mission statement is..."to train and encourage students to reach other students." And that is exactly what is happening! I wanted to jump up and down while clapping saying, IT WORKS!

We don't have to have huge numbers, I don't even know if I'm mature enough as a leader to handle big numbers of students. If in our college ministry, we only reach a few students. That's fine. Because those few students can reach a few more, which will reach a few more, which will also reach a few more...all for the love of Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen.

Lord, stretch me like taffy.

Well it's time for my quarterly blog report again, and there is much to say. I guess one of the most outstanding things going on right now is involving my mother. She is in the hospital right now because she just had about 30% of her liver removed. Around a month ago I took my mom to her oncologist for a routine checkup. In her bloodwork, a certain level was up higher than it should be, something called the CEA. Anyways, one thing led to another and we found out she had two cancerous lesions on her liver. "Again?She just got over colon cancer.What on earth is going on?" I just felt so bad for my mom. I mean, what can you say? Well, the surgery actually went really well and mom is doing well too. She will be in the hospital for 4-5 days and then has a month's recovery before she starts chemo again. God is taking care of her. The most important thing right now, I know, is to trust. Trust in the One who made us and takes care of us, the One who clothes even the lilies. I know that there is going to be a lot of opportunities for growth in this situation and a lot of opportunities to minister. The Lord is good.

Now to a less somber topic, I went to a ladies retreat to Lake Ann Camp with my mom-in-law(Peggy Walker, for those of you who don't know) and my good friend LynnAnn Crots. It was a wonderful time. My mom was the speaker and she was bringing a powerful topic...Intentional Living, that was something I truly needed to hear and see. Her passion for Christ was so evident and her humility when serving is something I wish to have. One of the topics during the sessions was on finding your passion, and while I was there at Lake Ann I saw something I have never really noticed before. Several women of all ages ( most of them in their middle ages) trying to figure out what they were passionate about. How sad is that? I am so blessed that my sovereign Lord brought me back to him so I could figure out my passion early on. I want to become more and more fervent in my love for Christ and more pliable to his will. When I was thinking on this, I could tell that the Holy Spirit was and is moving in my heart. When I realized what I needed to do, I became a little nervous. I know that in my husband and I's ministry, my role will not always be the same. I've started to pray that God uses me however he wants. I've started praying that God stretches me, kinda like taffy. I've always liked taffy, and now I've found a spiritual excuse to eat it. (;

A Lesson on Humility

So, funny story....

At church the other day, Todd and I and a few others from our Sunday school class were walking to the sanctuary when a woman, who will remain unnamed, came up to me with a queer look on her face. She asked me if there was some news she hadn't heard yet and then looked pointedly at my stomach. It clicked then, so I told her, "NO, I am not pregnant." Oh, she said, it must be the dress then, and she walked away. I can honestly say that this is the first time someone has asked me if I was pregnant because of my appearance.

My pride definitely took a shot there, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing either. But this comical story actually made me think on much more serious things. Being in ministry is such a blessing. But, it makes Todd and I more of a target to Satan, and man can he push my buttons. To be completely honest, pride is something I have had way too much of. In the past, I thought myself better than others because of my lifestyle or my speech or even my looks. Thankfully, the Lord still uses me and continues to prune me to be someone who represents Him more. Now, I am working with kids who are still growing, and are less mature than I am ( hard to believe, I know). So, I am hard pressed to remember that without Christ, I would be nowhere and without Christ, I am still an immature girl with no direction in life. If I don't remember these things, and if I don't focus on the love of Christ; I can be easily led to think that I am the reason the ministry grows, and I am the key to these kid's individual growth.

1 Corinthians 3:7-9 says, "So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth. Now he who plants and he who waters are one; but each will receive his own reward according to his own labor. For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building." What a lesson! I am nothing, and yet Christ allows me to be a part of SOMETHING GREAT. I am a part of God's building, I did not build the building. I am just a part of it and Christ is the cornerstone. ( Ephesians 2:19-22 "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, ²⁰built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. ²¹In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.²²And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.") One thing I am learning more and more is that at the heart of Christianity is one thing, humility. Because I can do nothing apart from Christ, He saved me and that is the reason I am here. He was the supreme example of humility, an example to be followed. (Philippians 2:3-11, http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians%202:3-11&version=NIV )

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...

So once again, I waited about ten years to blog. It seems to be a pattern for me. Todd and I recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary! YAY! I have learned so so much in this past year. But I think the biggest lesson I am thinking on right now is where these lessons come from. Before I probably would have said from experience, mostly painful ones. You know, things you learn from making stupid decisions. It's very similar to my driving experiences. I know my way around Ypsilanti and Ann Arbor because I have been lost so many times in the middle of these cities. Unfortunately, that's probably not going to change anytime soon.

I have started a study in I Corinthians recently and I'm using a book along with it called Be Wise, written by Warren W. Wiersbe. It really makes me think back on how I started following Christ seriously in my life. In the past, I went to a Christian school, connected to the church I went to where all my friends and even some of my family attended. I had a safe, little bubble to live in.

In this bubble that I lived in, I knew what was expected of me. Come on now, a girl who grew up in church, went to Christian school and sat under very doctrinal teaching, obviously I am to be a leader among my peers. I had a testimony to uphold, and all this knowledge to draw from. Unfortunately, I made decisions based on those things. I seemed to be missing something very important in my life and I couldn't figure out what it was. I was a leader in youth group, involved in church, had a prayer group at school, and tried to do my "devotions" every day. I should be very content and be filled with joy, right?

It took a couple years for me to start feeling the effects of my errors in reasoning. I was stuck in a job that I didn't like, becoming more and more like the unsaved people I worked with. I didn't really know what I wanted to pursue for a career and I was in a unhealthy relationship that was getting too serious. It's not pleasant to think on these things, but that's the amazing part. I was rescued from my misery. I found direction and forgiveness. Where? Well I can tell you it wasn't in christian school and it wasn't in church ( I'm not knocking those institutions, I'm just saying sadly, it's sometimes easy to miss the point of them).

The Good Shepherd left His flock and came after me. Now I have purpose, as Paul stated in 1 Corinthians 2:2 - For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. The christian life is not about being a better leader, knowing more verses, or being able to name the dispensations, it is about CHRIST. Decisions I make in life should not be based on me or my needs. "My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, ⁵so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." (I Cor. 2:4-5)

"If you hear preaching about duty and command, it is very proper, but if it be the one sole theme the teaching becomes very

legal in the long run; and after a while the true gospel which has the power to make us keep the precept

gets flung into the background, and the precept is not kept after all. Do, do, do, generally ends in nothing being done." Spurgeon

"Lord, the one you love is sick"

So, the title of this blog may sound a little odd, but let me explain. My pastor just preached a sermon on John 11 where Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Never have I heard this story in such a light. When Martha and Mary send word to Christ that Lazarus is sick, they say..."Lord, the one whom you love is sick."(v. 3) What kind of relationship does this statement hold?!? How can I read something like that and now want it? I'll tell you what, I am just being steamrolled by the love of Jesus Christ today. It's sad that it took me this long to really start cherishing it.
I have been saved for 16 years...that is the longest friendship I have ever had actually. My family moved around a bit, so meeting new friends was part of the territory. Yet, I have had a friend who has stuck with me through thick and thin, to put it oh so mildly. But really, how well do I know my old friend? Not nearly enough, you see, I am just beginning to grasp the very foundation of my relationship with Him...LOVE. We love Him, because He first loved us. For the love of Christ compels us... For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son... It's all over the Bible. People search for love all their lives, they die for it, they sacrifice for it. But here are the "Christians" really sacrificing by going to church, putting in their ten percent (with their name on that envelope big and bold), and maybe even reading their Bible or praying for a few minutes a day. What love, what sacrifice! or not. I may sound cynical right now, but I was right there in the thick of it. We have left our first love.
With Easter right around the corner, I think it might be a good time to really ask ourselves, why. Why do I do what I do? Figuring out the right way to do things is completely humbling, because then you know why you are doing it. Jesus loves ME. How on earth do we consider that a child's song meant for Sunday school? How powerful are those words? I think David had it right in Psalm 107:1 - "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; his love endures forever."

My husband

For the past 7 months, I have been married to the most wonderful man on planet earth. He is handsome, funny, loves me and most of all, he loves God more. In honor of Valentine's day, although I'm a little late, I'm just going to post about someone God has blessed me with. Todd has been such a great husband to me. He is such an encouragement to me and he is a great leader. Looking forward to our ministry is so exciting because I know that God is going to do great things with Todd. A little while ago I was struggling a little bit with what I was supposed to be doing. I don't have a job, I'm taking one class and I don't know exactly what my place is in our college ministry. Here comes my knight in shining armor with words of wisdom and comfort. I am here to support and aid him. That is my ministry to Todd, and a way in which I can glorify Christ. I have grown in Christ so much in the time that Todd and I have been together. It really brings to light the verse about "iron sharpening iron." So in essence this short little blurb is just to thank God for my great partner in life and say I love you to my husband. (: I can't
wait for the next 50 years.

Sweet, Sovereign Lord

How many times in my Christian walk have I claimed to have faith and yet lived like I don't have a clue what it is? In my devotions, I've been in Revelation and also studying on love. These studies have all led me to see God's complete sovereignty and glory at work in the past and in my life in the present and through His word in the future.

Todd and I have been struggling to find support, or even finding a church that wants to talk to us. But God has been such a blessing in providing for us. I applied for a few jobs and got a callback on one from Von Maur. After my phone interview, I was on pins and needles waiting for a call back saying I got the job. I mean, I obviously needed the job, and God knew that. But, I was corrected through His Holy Word. Who cares if I don't have a job? Like God can't work through us and for us if I don't have one. His eye is on even the lowly sparrow. Why in the world did I think that I could help support our family and ministry with a job. God does that.

Completely convicted, I went before God and gave Him the whole situation. If He wanted me to have a job, I would get one. If not, than He would provide in another way. Well, lo and behold, a few days later I had an interview with Payless shoes, and then a second interview. Still waiting to hear news on it, but I'm not stressing. God is in control. Not only does God answer our prayers, He blesses us when we don't expect it and definitely don't deserve it. Some one in our church gave us a check for a good sum of money. I'm completely humbled by His love. God is worthy of my praise, your praise, and He is deserving of my love, which is completely His forever. Praise His holy name!!!

Blessings of 2009 and Prayers for 2010

Wow, where to start...this past year has taught me that time is so precious. Using your time wisely and for the right things is so important. The year 2009 absolutely flew by. I started the year in PA with my fiance. Later in the year my family was hit with some hard news...my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. Thank God, they got everything out in her surgery. My amazing mom was a trooper through her first set of obstacles including chemo and radiation. But we give credit to whom credit is due...Praise God! He is so amazing! Thank you for all the people giving up their time and energy to help out. Among those who were helping, my Aunt Lynette was such a blessing. Without her, our lives would have been much more difficult. But especially I want to thank all the people around the world praying. July 11 - I married the man of my dreams and my prayers. We have had nearly six months of wedded bliss....yay newlyweds! And I'm pregnant...JUST KIDDING!
After our honeymoon, we came back to the great house Calvary Baptist Church has provided for us for part of our support. As newlyweds we also have a college ministry that we are heading up. In the beginning we are focusing mostly on discipleship. We have a great group of kids willing to learn. Pray for growth and for God to light a fire in their hearts in the new year. After weeks of waiting to hear back on our paperwork for becoming a recognized org. on campus, we found out the lady in charge was in the hospital and we had to wait for her to get out. (: God teach us patience.

God has been giving my family so many opportunities to glorify Him in times of trial. My Grandpa T and my Grandpa Kitty both passed away within two weeks of each other in the middle of the holidays. And as we go into the new year, we found out my Aunt Judy also has cancer and not long to live. Pray hard for salvation and opportunities for those who are believers to reach out. But we have some good news...on our way to PA for Christmas, Todd got a call from Robin Chaustowik. We were approved for EMU! We can't wait to get started on campus for the new semester. I'm starting to take online classes from Spurgeon College (London) so I can become a pastor. Ok, not really, but it is going to be all Bible classes which is exactly what I was hoping for. It's amazing how God guides our steps and grants our wishes when they align with his plans. Praise His holy name!

So for the new year, I ask for prayers for Todd and I. Pray that we would keep our focus on Christ, that we can find some more financial support(or at least meetings with churches). Pray for our college kids to have a sincere desire to grow in Christ. And please pray for my mother and her health, especially spiritual health because that's what matters.